Defeated
by chels48
Summary: Rory feels trapped in the life she thought she wanted. She has slipped beneath the surface and is struggling to breathe. Only one person can help her after she has become defeated. Please R and R!
1. Prologue

Defeated: Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls or any of these characters. I do, however, own this storyline.

A/N:Ok, so it's been a while since I've written a fanfic (a HUGE apology is owed to everyone who read my two previous stories, which are, unfortunately, on hiatus). I will try my hardest to actually stick with this one and update as quickly as possible. It's not the best, I know, but give it a try. You might like it. And, as always, reviews are greatly appreciated.

She could remember so vividly the day she received the letter she believed would change her life forever. The smooth, white paper shook in her trembling hands as her eyes tried to decipher the seemingly foreign words written on it.

She looked up as she heard her mother enter the room.

"Oh my God, is that it?" Lorelai questioned as she excitedly ran to her daughter's side.

Tearing her eyes away from the paper to meet Lorelai's gaze, she managed to choke out a strained, "Yes."

"Well what does it say?" Lorelai asked craning her neck to try to read it.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

Feeling the panic rise up in her throat Rory replied with a hint of urgency, "I mean, I don't know! I can't read it!"

Suppressing a laugh at her daughter's nervousness, Lorelai said, "Rory, come on. Just read it and get it over with."

"No, you don't understand! I really can't read it!" She shoved the paper into her mother's hands and added, "You have to do it for me. Please."

"Ok, ok. Fine, I'll do it," glancing at her daughter's panic-stricken face, she added with a smile, "Nut case."

Lorelai quickly scanned the paper looking for the sentence she new was there. When she found it she looked directly into Rory's eyes and smiled.

"You got in babe."

_-xxxxx-_

Her freshman year had been difficult, to say the least. When she first entered the school, Rory had been the small-town girl with ambitions and dreams and a gleam in her eyes that let everyone around her know she planned to do great things. She buried herself under a massive workload that required every minute of her time in and out of class to be spent studying.

She didn't mind at first. After all, she was used to working hard and actually enjoyed it most of the time. But then something changed. She didn't feel the same strive to go above and beyond. Her grades began to slip. Due dates and tests were no longer important. She began spending more and more time in the solitude and comfort of her bed, letting the time pass by.

Rory knew a lot of it had to do with her relationship with her mother. Ever since she went away to college, something was different. They weren't as close as they used to be. There was a wall between them, and neither of them made an effort to tear it down. They spoke one to two times a week, usually for no longer than 10 or 15 minutes. Rory never told Lorelai about how she was changing. She simply told her everything was fine and that college life was everything she had hoped it would be. She didn't want to disappoint her mother. After all, Lorelai was the reason she was here; the reason Rory had worked so hard her entire life. It was all for Lorelai; all to make her proud. And Rory couldn't stand the thought of disappointing her.

But she couldn't hide the truth from herself. She could feel herself drowning, sinking farther and farther down into a world she didn't want to be a part of. She was trapped in the life she thought she wanted and there was no way out.

A/N: Now remember, this is just the prologue, so the next chapters will more than likely be longer and more eventful. This just kind of, sets the stage for what kind of emotional state Rory is in. Sorry for any mistakes you might have found. Unfortunately, spell check doesn't catch them all. Oh, and review please!


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls or the characters in this story. Blah, blah, blah.

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! This chapter isn't really very long, but it was necessary to get some stuff out of the way. It'll get more interesting, I promise. haha. Ok, I just need to clear some things up. This story takes place during season 4. Rory is looking back on her freshman year at Yale. You can just forget about all the Dean-related drama that originally took place in this season, because well, it made me sick. Let's just say Rory and Dean broke up a long time ago. Jess will play a big part in this story (he'll probably show up in the next couple of chapters). They never dated and he never left Stars Hollow. They had a big falling out right before she left for college (this will be explained more later on) and he is currently living in New York. Ok, I think that covers it. Sorry it's so confusing and unorganized right now, but just stick with me. Yeah, so I'm going to stop talking now and just let you read.

Chapter 1

Rory tried to block out the the rays of sun that came streaming through her window, causing red dots to dance across her tightly closed eyelids. She rolled onto her stomach and buried her head in her pillow, desperately searching for darkness. She could still feel its precense; the bright beams of light that grazed her back and the top of her head, remdinding her that it was the start of another day and that she couldn't just lie in bed, using pillows and blankets as a shield against the world that existed right outside her window.

But she had learned to ignore her guilt and her conscience. She didn't allow her mind to think of the consequenses and the repercussions of what she was doing. The only thing she focused on was surviving. She forced herself to eat and to shower. Sleep came easily because she didn't dream anymore. The complete and total darkness that surrounded her while she slept was comforting and the one thing she had left to look forward to every day. But she constantly had to remind herself to breathe. To let her lungs fill with air, and with life. God knows how many times she was tempted to just stop reminding herself. To let the constantly rising water fully submerge her and carry her away into eternal sleep. But everytime she came close to sinking, something would force her back up, pale and shaking, and gasping for air.

Rory had finally started to drift back to sleep when she heard her phone begin to ring. She cursed herself for not unplugging it the night before and tried to tune out the insistant ringing. She breathed a sigh of relief as she heard the ringing stop and buried her head deeper into the pillow. The sound of her mother's panic-stricken voice filled the room and roused Rory from her state of vegetation as she lifted the pillow off her head to hear her mother's muffled words more clearly.

"Rory?" Lorelai's voice was obviously filled with concern. "Are you there? Please answer if you are. It's been two weeks Rory. Where are you? I've been calling your cell phone for days and no one has answered. I even called one of your professors and asked her to give you a message and that it was an emergency but she said that you hadn't been to class in weeks. Please call me back. I'm so worried about you," she was abruptly cut off by the loud beeping of the answering machine, leaving Rory's dorm in a deafening silence once again.

Rory knew she should call her mother back, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She couldn't face letting Lorelai know what a failure she had become and how close she was to just giving up. She would rather sleep, and let the darkness take everything away.

A/N: So that's it. Short, I know. Sorry. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. (the good and the bad)


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, so don't sue me. Please.

A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter. I love you all! Sorry for the wait for this chapter but things have been hectic lately. Gah, I know it's short, but it is what it is. I promise I'll try to make them longer. lol Yeah, so anyway, I'm not completely happy with it, but here it is...(oh, and it starts pretty much where the last one left off)

_-xxxxx-_

Rory wasn't sure how long she had been asleep. She didn't bother looking at the clock, knowing the only thing it was still capable of doing was blinking a glaring red 12:56 at her. She was suddenly reminded of what had woken her when she heard the loud,persistant pounding coming from the other side of her living room door. Letting out a frustrated moan, she pulled herself out from the tangle of blankets and slowly walked to the door. Rory unlocked the door and yanked it open, preparing to let whoever had awoken her get an earful.

But when she saw her mother standing in front of her, she simply asked, "What are you doing here?"

Not waiting to be let in, Lorelai forced herself passed her daughter and into the room. After taking a quick glance around she turned back to answer her daughter, "Oh, you know. I just wanted to make sure you weren't you know, _dead_ or anything. Sorry to barge in like this, but when you don't hear from your daughter in two weeks and she won't return your phone calls, you kind of start to worry. Where the hell have you been Rory?"

Not quite meeting her mother's eyes Rory replied with a shrug, "I've been busy."

"Oh! You've been busy! Of course!" Lorelai's words were dripping with sarcasm. "Nice pajamas by the way."

Not knowing how to respond, Rory stayed silent.

Lorelai sighed and started to speak again, this time with her voice at a normal level, "Rory, you have to let me know what's going on here. Why haven't you been going to class? Why have you been MIA for so long?" She let out a little laugh and added, "And why are you in your pajamas at 4 o' clock in the afternoon? I need some answers here babe."

"I just can't...I don't..." Rory shrugged her shoulders again and let her voice trail off.

"What? Just tell me. I can help you." Lorelai took a step closer, trying to pull Rory into a hug, but stopped when Rory pulled away.

For the first time since Lorelai had arrived, Rory finally looked directly into her eyes. "You can't help me."

A confused and hurt look came across Lorelai's face. "Why not? I always have before."

"But it's not the same. Things are different now."

"But we're still the same. We're still us Rory," Lorelai's eyes misted over and her voice cracked. "I know things have been weird lately, but that's normal. Everyone fights."

"Maybe that's true, but I don't think we can fix this one," Rory fought to try to keep her voice steady and the tears that clouded her vision from falling.

Lorelai was silent for a moment, trying to comprehend what was happening. When she finally spoke, her words were drenched with remorse. "So you're just giving up? After everything we've been through; everything we've worked for. You're just throwing it all away?"

"You don't understand. I can't do it, mom," Rory's tears began to fall as she whispered, "I tried. I really did. I'm sorry."

Lorelai shook her head in disbelief as she watched her daughter turn her back and walk from the room, softly shutting the door behind her.

A/N: Yep, that's it. Just wanted to add for whoever asked me that this is a Jess/Rory story. (but Lorelai and other characters will make appearances)


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